EPL and me

During the past few months, especially since I started working, I have concluded that there are broadly two things that these Brits talk about – the weather and football. To be honest, I never understood what’s there to talk about the weather so much because it’s always (in bold capital letters if I may say) cold!! But then I was being too cynical, because soon I realised that it is sometimes cold and raining or sometimes even cold and snowing or sometimes cold and cloudy. So basically you get my point no? It sucks! I believe that the most difficult job on earth is that of the BBC weather reporter. How much effort must be put everyday into devising innovative ways to convey people that the weather is going to bad! But weather is not my only issue in life currently.

I have a serious problem with this EPL or whatever they call it. As if Mondays weren’t depressing enough by themselves, everyone in my project team had to discuss the weekend league matches with every miniscule detail while I sat there like Tarzan stranded in New York city not knowing what everyone is blabbering on about. But even then, I didn’t take much interest because there was a guy from Barcelona in my team who used to say only the Spanish league had some value for money and all this EPL is one big sham.

But my Mr. has to watch every single EPL game too! There are 150 odd teams (or so they seem to me) playing with one another. Thankfully, by Gods grace if I may say so, they don’t telecast all the matches here. Apparently the TV rights are split between BT Sports and SKY Sports. Now we being true Indians and with the exchange rate higher than 100, we have decided not to spend another 40 pounds on BT subscription every month. However, to make up for it, he has to watch each game analysis at the end of the day. So much time is wasted that I can see two full episodes of ‘Bani Ishq da Kalma’ with advertisements and would still have more time to watch one more episode of ‘Saraswatichandra’ in that. Bah!

So I thought, enough is enough, let me take keen interest from now on. Drawing parallels from the IPL, I concluded that the easiest way to get to know the teams was by their t-shirts colours. Correct logic no? Wrong! Turned out that half the teams had red colour t-shirts and the other half had blue!! To make things worse then, I found out that the teams are given only one set of team colour t-shirts which takes a while to get washed in the laundry since shops close at 12pm every Sunday. So next week when they play ‘away’ they use some other t-shirt of some random colour. Only if they would have also outsourced this laundry thing to India! (Dear Brits, can you please stop drinking wine and start working!) Bah! Bah!

Interestingly, I noticed everyone and anyone in India who was on my facebook supported some United team. Obviously, I thought that it must be a very good team to show some loyalty but to my shock, my London friends hated them. Turns out that their ex-coach was some ‘Don’ like personality who ‘fixed’ red cards, penalties and the extra-time awarded. Now I wonder why we, being Indians, should get so annoyed at this fixing. We fix our cricket matches, then we create our own private investigating agency and then we declare ourselves not guilty no? But I wanted to be alive in London and statistics revealed that these EPL teams change their coach more than they change their t-shirts so I chose not to argue on this coach issue further.

As a last resort to get interested in the game, I focussed my attention on the players. With many million pounds spent on them, they must be of great class I thought. Some names were catchy so they caught my attention, Suarez for example. Turned out that he goes about biting peoples ears in the middle of the game! Really? I mean, you can see the same drama -like players ‘slapping’ fellow players, then fellow players crying etc. at a much lesser cost back home no? Also, I think biting ears would look less like a football game and more like a scene out of porn video which you can watch for free anyways. Why waste so many million pounds over it. And Mr. David Cameron, ban this EPL and get your country to work!

Happy Birthday to me !!

Hello everyone! Thank you all for your wishes and before anyone asks me, ‘Happy 25th birthday to me’!  Ok well, the last time I checked I was 25 and then after that I lost the count. So this is the most accurate I can tell as of today. Moreso, if Shahid Afridi can claim to be a teenager for a decade extra, I am not cheating much I say.

So today on my birthday (since everything I do is ok), I thought I will come up with a ‘Guide book’ for myself.

To dear Gauri (Age 5),

1. RELAX! Make the most of today, enjoy and have fun. You don’t know what will happen in the future, we live in a mad world you will see. Chances are that few years from now, North Korea would have already destroyed the world or China would have taken over. So take a deep breath and relax!
2. The same WORLD though also has good, kind, warm people. There will be people with tremendous achievements and yet are extremely humble, people who are simple, honest, hardworking, intelligent, knowledgeable, having unique perspectives and interesting lives. Enjoy their company as they will make your life worth living. Also if you don’t identify yourself with any of these qualities, you have gone terribly wrong. Try to be one of it, atleast.
3. It’s good to PRAY everyday. Be thankful to be blessed with numerous things that many around you are not. Moreso, if you want a Samsung Galaxy 3 from God, ask for it loudly and clearly because even if God turns a deaf ear to your request, your husband might overhear it. So you increase the probability that way.
4. DONT run after money even if you think it’s a good cardiovascular exercise. As long as you have enough money to buy a waffle with 2 scoops ice cream after your dinner, you are good.
5. EAT as much as you want and whatever you want! England is bitterly cold, so you won’t be able to show off your perfect figure under a terribly oversized woollen overcoat. And India will give you a sun burn and nasty glares if you walk out in a skimpy dress. So no point running after size 0, its useless anyways. But don’t ruin your health.  
6. LOOK at the brighter side when things go wrong. You will learn it the hard way, but in the end you will realise that it was not that bad after all. It’s easier said than done but I have realised that unless you are an owl, not much can be seen in the dark anyways.
7. Learn to DANCE. Try to keep it classy but also remember there is nothing so liberating as dancing in the Ganpati procession. I would be sad to know that you never experienced it in your life.
8. DO stupid things once in a while just because you want to. Sometimes, behave madly, throw tantrums and turn the house upside down. But don’t get jailed.
9. LAUGH. Like everyone, you are not perfect too! You will make mistakes, fall often, cry over silly things, face loneliness and even humiliation but eventually, be rest assured that you will survive this. Once you have come through, look back and laugh at yourself. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, there would be many who will be happy to do it for you.
10. Make good FRIENDS; they will make your growing up immensely pleasurable. The stupid things that you will do together might seem embarrassing when you grow old, but they will still make you laugh till your stomach hurts.
11. REMEMBER what Mark Twain said - ‘When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years’. Ripleys believe it or not, your parents are the sanest people on the earth. The sooner you come to terms with this fact, the better it will be for you. In any case, you don’t have any option but to listen to them. So shut up and fall in line.
12. WAIT for the right guy to come in to your life and then never let him go! Waiting is a wonderful thing and has amazing outcomes you will see. That might mean you will have to tolerate the taunts from that annoying relative who will claim that you have well past your marriageable age and you will end up alone for the rest of your life. This might mean that you will have some days with nothing to do because other friends are caught up in their own life. But wait; and you will find a wonderful person. Once you find one, beg, cry or threaten him but don’t let him go!
13. ENJOY! Enjoy everything. Enjoy the annual day in your school, the scout and guide trek, the competitions, your results, crisply ironed uniform, a new haircut, your first salary, high heels shoes, getting drenched in the rain, a tasty dish, a new country, making a new friend, a cheese burst pizza, a crowded train, the festivals , a sizzling brownie, a good movie, enjoy till you get tired of enjoying and then enjoy more.

And Last but not the least, be true to yourself! You are about to begin a wonderful journey, tread carefully! Life is calling, where are you?

From Gauri

(Claiming to be 25)