India Diaries - Day 3

Considering the late end to the party the previous night, my day started at a reasonable hour or so I thought. I was feeling quite tired but after a while, when I made sense of the situation in the house I gathered that the door bell had rung several times since morning starting with milkman, paperwalah, kachrawalah and the bai, my grandparents were almost ready for the second breakfast, the tea prepared in the morning had turned stone cold, dad had already completed 5km walk as per the fitbit and mom had finished cooking the afternoon lunch half an hour ago. I must have at least slept for a day I thought, but then I saw the watch and it was only 830. I could not believe that yesterday's party had no effect whatsoever on the universe but me and everything was status quo. I realised that may be, just may be there is a possibility that the world does not revolve around me. But I let that thought pass because I like to think it's otherwise.

Now everytime I am in India, anyone I meet greets me with one of the three comments "oh you have lost so much weight" or "you haven't changed a bit" or "you seem to have put on weight". I can never understand how the three statements can coexist but I am pretty sure that everyone feels obligated to make a definitive statement on my appearance. So just to make it easy for everyone, like shakira says, hips don't lie and so doesn't my weighing machine, so don't feel pressured to judge my weight, I will figure out sooner or later. Also needless to say, mom always feels that I have lost several kilos from the last trip and trust me, if that was really true, I would have disappeared by now. But this time, the husband was getting all the attention and all the energy of the house was being directed to have a menu of his choice to suit his troubled stomach. Perhaps the centre of the universe is gradually shifting to the husband I thought, but again I might be over analysing the issue.

Later in the day, we made a mandatory trip to a mall nearby and I was amazed to see so many foreign brands crunched side by side in a mall that is nothing short of a maze. It made me wonder why I had spent several hours last week gathering useless gifts, but I digress. The purpose of the trip to the mall was very clear, my parents wanted to buy something for the husband but with his choice. Now I found it a bit odd that no one mentioned anything about me while leaving the house but what was shocking that once the husband was done, there was a sudden rush to go home for lunch as I could very well do my shopping online. I had started to sense that may be the centre indeed was shifting but then it could be that they were really hungry.

The final nail in the coffin was put when my aunt invited us for dinner. Never before has she ever decided a menu without asking me but today was all about the husband. I felt that the husband was kind of enjoying this new centre of gravity who, I must admit, also left no stone unturned to thrust himself firmly on the centre stage.

The dinner was fabulous so I couldn't complain and just when I was about to hand over the crown to the husband, my aunt and the cousin told me that they would make my favourite dish on my cousins birthday. When we were back home, my grandparents gifted me a new 2000 rupee note for my shopping. Later that night, when I was packing for Indore, my parents told me that I would be missed for next few days. It seemed that after all I was still at the centre of the universe.

But then may be, the husband and I both can be the centre of the universe. Or for that matter, the world is a happy place with several centres as every child is truly the focal point for the family. And no matter how old I become, their world will still revolve around me and now also perhaps the husband.

India Diaries - Day 2

It was a lazy start to the day and I sheepishly walked from the bedroom to the hall and made myself comfortable on the sofa. I picked up an ad page lying  besides me which seemed quite heavy and it had a big iPhone and iPad on it with citi credit card offering some credit to purchase these 'half eaten Apple' products. Then I noticed that there was a Times of India logo on the top. When I turned the page, I realised that it wasn't an advertisement page but rather it was the front page of the newspaper which was basically a full page ad. Whatever happened to all the news in the country, I mean surely there must be something worth reporting on the front page, and if nothing, the least they could have done is some Modi bashing because that is what we do best. Anyways, my ordeal did not end there and what followed the so called front page was a half front page with news that didn't matter at all. Then there was a third 'front' page which had news on the top half and a big Dove ad in the bottom half. I remember when I was in school, everyone in the class had to take turns and bring one news item from the front page to read in the class after the prayers. Assuming this still happens, I wondered if the students would talk about Dove or iPhone today in the class, I sighed and went back to reading the paper. Finally on the third front page there was some Modi bashing and I returned to normality.

So today,19th November, was 'World toilet day' and no am not joking. With so much 'swatch bharat abhiyan' going on, I thought that it would be a big thing in India because building toilets is also key to bharat being 'swatch' really. I tried to google some information and the only usable link that I found was that there was a competition held for toilet humour and the joke that won the prize was from two years ago "For Christmas last year I got given Sudoku toilet paper. It’s useless. You can only fill it in with number ones and number twos". I had a hearty laugh at that and moved on. Later in the day, I was assigned the duty to pick up my nephew from his school so he could join in early for the family get together that the mom had organised in the evening. The husband and I reached a bit early so I used this opportunity to enlighten the husband on where my junior college classrooms were and what mischiefs me and my girl gang used to do looking out from the window seat. While I was reminiscing those days he came to a conclusion that I have always been bully and that it has nothing to do with the marriage. I let him think that although in my defence he is the one who always gets his way by taking the more politically correct route.

Slowly the parents crowded the gate, the school vans parked themselves almost blocking the road and scooters and cars slowed down awaiting the school bell. Suddenly I saw one of the parent sitting on his Honda activa spit on the footpath opposite to where I was standing. "There goes my Swatch Bharat tax", I exclaimed disgustingly. "I am paying for this man to spit on the road. We should tell him not to do it". The husband didn't seem much stirred by my emotional outburst and said that I was just acting over smart and behaving like a typical NRI. Moreover he pointed out that I was the bully in the family so I am the one who should say something. Before we came to a conclusion on who should approach the man, he drove off with his son and my nephew came out running as well, so I left it there.

Cricket is the universal religion in India and the husband has a new found support in my dad to watch the India vs England test match. Usually in London, I either have to move to a different room to read a book or I have to entertain myself by watching countless episodes of Splitsvilla (mostly the latter) as I cannot understand how one can watch every single minute of the 5 day test match on tv. Also in my defence the husband watches any game on planet, like South Africa vs Pakistan test series, with the same amount of interest which therefore ends up me stomping my foot to the other room. But now, since two people in the house want to watch cricket and with dad practically controlling the tv remote, I have no option but to watch the match. The only saving grace was the hindi commentary which was amazingly spontaneous and hilarious with some clips of VVS and Dean Jones trying to outsmart each other at some challenges and games.

Slowly my uncles, aunts, cousins start coming in. The house is packed with people. Someone is not feeling well so my mom changes the original plan of going up the yeoor hill to the resort to having a home gettogether. She promptly arranges for starters and orders food from a nearby restaurant. The topic ranges from London weather to brexit to trump but eventually all roads lead to demonetisation. There are 3 CAs and one banker in the room who are working hard since the announcement for different reasons. Whenever the topic is inching towards my culinary skills I successfully re-route it to demonetisation.The room is small but cozy and everyone has fitted in just perfectly. The food arrives and everyone eats to their heart's content. I give a glance to my mom and I am amazed at her ability to always bring together so many people and bring laughter and cheer to everyone. I wonder if I can ever do that but for now let me enjoy this moment for like someone said "you are the happiest in this moment".

India Diaries - Day 1

Modi's demonitization drive has created quite a stir, not only in India but also in the country of Her Majesty, The Queen. One day, while I was sitting in my office typing an email furiously and fuming over IT not delivering the requirements in time, my phone suddenly started buzzing. I ignored it for a while only to find 258 whatsapp messages sent to me over the numerous groups that I have subscribed to. Normally I tend to ignore the forwards but this time I was worried that it may be something serious like may be Hillary had conceded defeat before the election results were out and declared that all this debate with Trump was just for fun or may be Salman Khan had confessed that he was driving his car but that it was the car who was actually drunk and because someone filled it with vodka instead of diesel. But it was none of the above and I have to admit that the creativity and geniusness of the forwards on this demonitisation was simply amazing which also explains why the advertisements in India are so much better in India unlike UK where there is a big fat man with weird zigzag moustaches shouting 'go compare' in a shrill loud voice so much that I rather would pay extra money and save myself the horror of comparing any prices on their website which would constantly remind me of the useless jingle every second I stay on their website. My colleague aka 'Thakur' who I blatantly accuse of hoarding lots of black money was immediately on his phone making some 'calls' while acting cool. The next day, whilst he seemed to have found ways to make use of his cash stacks for better purposes than making a bonfire, refused to tell me how and insisted that he didn't have anything to worry.

Some of my friends, on the other hand were worried on how they would convert their money that they had brought with them to this country and all of that eventually landed with me and the husband to make sure it's transported safely to India. So the husband and I loaded with this cash and several other useless gift items and chocolates made way to the London Heathrow airport. All throughout the one and half hour journey passing by the countless tube stops, the husband kept complaining on how far the airport is and how inconvenient I make the India trip because I insist on a direct flight and refuse to take the one stop flight from the London city airport. Now what I don't understand is how spending four hours in transit can be better than one and half hour in travel, but then the husband has proven higher IQ so I just change the topic.

We finally reach the airport and few minutes into the line I notice that the web check-in queue actually longer and moving slower than the normal queue. Sometime later, the Delhi travellers start jumping the queue under the pretext that they are in hurry even though their flight is only 10 minutes before the Mumbai one. Note to self - don't check-in online & arrive late or raise hand when asked for Delhi passengers even though travelling to Mumbai and jump the queue - note end. Anyway, somehow we pass the security and hog some food in the lounge that the husband has access to.

After we settle down in the plane, the usual haggling over overhead storage or reclining the seat begins. I find this a common sight in the India bound planes. One time, I witnessed a passenger violently kicking the seat in front of him as he was upset with the angle of recline of the seat in front of him and the other time one passenger refused to sit down because he insisted that he stores his handbag right above his seat lest his chocolates were stolen. Anyway, I put my headset, gulped down a glass of wine and watched 3 movies and one dream in the 8 hour odd journey. I could not believe that jet had a separate 'Akshay Kumar' film category in their movie section, and also made me wonder how successful he has become but mostly how he would have handled his stacks of black money.

The moment I stepped out of the plane, I felt alive and happy because the new airport terminal is so welcoming and 'indian' in its decoration but mostly because I could connect to the free WiFi. The husband was obviously carrying more liquor than permitted levels, half of which was in my bag and when our suitcases arrived on the belt it had a huge white crosses on all sides. Having seen numerous episodes of 'Nothing to declare', I promptly put all my effort in erasing those marks to a point that they were almost invisible. I was already having nightmares about carrying so much cash that I didn't want to attract any more attention. The husband thought it was unnecessary to rub that cross off and of course he was asked to scan his bag and handbag at the customs. Luckily they let him go. With renewed confidence of having beaten the customs, the husband wanted to also exchange all his old notes even though half of them were not even his. But the post office in the airport had already ran out of cash at 1200 so he agreed to move on.

As soon as I stepped out, I was greeted by the honking of the auto rickshaws, the screeching brakes of the best bus, the cars crawling side by side with narrow gaps, the scooters making their way zigzag between the stalled traffic, the metro passing above, there was so much chaos, but there was a method to the madness, I was home and it was an amazing feeling.

All day long, I hogged on the home cooked food, caught some sleep, then hogged on my favourite parle-g which btw I can still dunk to perfection, then again ate some food until it was time to call it a day. This is what I call a perfect start to a holiday