Late to the party..

Its good to be late to a party is what my friend used to say. I wasn't much of a party goer anyway but you can make a bold statement she said and I played along then. What she didn't tell me however was how late was okay. Turns out that when I tried it today I ended up reaching after the party was over. 

But since I am here now, let me nibble over the left overs and dance to the music that has been left playing on loop.

So, looks like the war over tolerance and intolerance has ended and I never got a chance to add to numerous articles, blogs, posts, tweets that were written, shared, reposted, re-tweeted during the war times. However I made sure I read every single one that was shared with me and I have to admit that after reading all of those, one thing was clear - I am  not the smartest person around.

Now take for example the fact that Aamir Khan made a remark in one of his interview that one time his wife had a thought if they should move out of India. Now I have to say, a lot of people immediately had a brilliant suggestion of sending him to Pakistan. Now what I fail to understand is why someone who wants to leave India to go to a safer place should be sent to Pakistan. Just think about it - I mean moving is a big pain. Aamir will have to sell off old cots and mattresses on ebay, cancel the internet and Tata sky connection, negotiate with the moving company, ask for spare cardboard boxes from the grocery store next door etc. and then you make him do all of this and send him to Pakistan? Now that defeats the whole purpose of moving no? He wants to go to a safer place - do you understand 'safer'? But may be you do and I am just being stupid in asking this question because I am not the smartest person around.

The bits and pieces of the Aamir's interview were all over the news and everyone who is somebody and also everyone who is not somebody was onto news channels taking sides or writing columns on what Aamir actually said and meant. Now I may be over simplifying it but wouldn't it have been better if someone would have just called Aamir directly to clarify - I mean it would have saved everyone's time and energy. At least that's what I think, but like I said, I am not the smartest person around.

The interview was a part of award ceremony to felicitate 'excellence' in journalism. Now with audience full on best journalists in India, there was no question of misinterpretation, misrepresentation, misguiding and all other irrelevant 'mis'. But why did I feel that all ethics of journalism were broken to increase the TRPs and I could not see much 'excellence' in journalism floating around but again, like I said, I am not the smartest person around.

Anyway, looks like I am late to this party and this debate has died down now.

So lets get back sharing information of the food we are eating, the places we are visiting, the friends we are meeting, the movies that we are watching, the things that we are buying because honestly that what I am on the social network for. And even though I am not the smartest person around to comment on this debate,  I am definitely one of the sanest person around....

Polsden Lacey

As we enter March, the weather seems to be getting better which means that I can save some money by switching off the otherwise ever blowing heater in my drawing room and can exchange my over-sized woolen coat with a lighter spring jacket. Mind you, we are far away from colorful blossoms but even few sun rays that pierce through the dark grey skies and bounce off the streets of London can totally transform the picture. The streets are filled with runners burning their carbs in their shorts, families crowding the parks and other people trying to soak some Vitamin D.

On one such supposedly fine weather day, we decided to drive up to Polsden Lacy near Dorking. The drive, as we moved out of London, was very scenic. Living in London makes your eyes so used to the concrete and glass buildings that even small pastures of green surface are mechanically recorded as beautiful scenery in a normal human brain. The drive was just over an hour and we being typical Indians were as expected late to the party. The car park was full of people who probably would have reached there a good three hours before us while we were stuffing ourselves with poha and tea at home.

Polsden Lacey is an Edwardian house which belonged to Margaret Greville who was a well-known Edwardian hostess of her times and with her fine collection of paintings, furniture, porcelain and silver, the house was a party house for all the summer gatherings that she hosted for the elite including the royalty. So, nothing really historic about it apart from the fact that the Duke and Duchess of York spent two weeks of their honeymoon in that house and later was used to house officers during World War I. As all touristy places, they have tried to bring in some spicy stories of how Margaret was an illegitimate child of a millionaire and her rags to riches story terming her as modern day Cinderella.

I personally found the house quite average but the greenery and the views outside were beautiful. There are extensive grounds as the estate is totally 1400 acres and has beautiful walking paths in the estate. The formal garden tour that we took challenged our imaginations to the limits. “There in that corner stands the most beautiful peach rose shrub”, we turned around and saw a dry twig hanging from a withered bark. There were many more moments like this in our one hour walking tour as we passed through vegetable garden, rock garden, royal arch, walled garden and so on. I guess we were there at the wrong time of the year. The tour ended at burial ground of her 21 dogs, each named and curried with a special plate.

The highlight of the property was the enormous slope in front of the house. As we settled there to relax and enjoy the view, we saw lot of small children having a great time rolling down the slope. Apparently the team at Polsden have a Guinness World Records for the most number of people to roll down a hill in one hour. On the slope were big and small, old and young, all sorts of visitors and as expected none of them were Indians. We Indians hardly reach to such places as most of the touristy time is spent at Madame Tussauds wax museum taking photographs with Amitabh Bacchan. Anyways, coming back to the point, not only were we the only people with Indian passport, but also the only ones who were totally unprepared for a nice outing at Polsden. Everyone and I mean everyone was there with a large picnic basket, garden mats and books. We had none of this.

Overall, I have to say that we have to thank the Greville family for donating such a huge property to National Trust. Not sure if this true, but the story goes that the royal family was expecting this house to be given to them and were not happy when this went to the National Trust. However, all her precious jewellery and a very beautiful tiara were ‘gifted’ to the royal family as per her will. Well, all I can say is what a wonderful ‘gift’ to give, just like the koh-i-noor.

 

Polsden Lacey house

Garden tour

The Slope

EPL and me

During the past few months, especially since I started working, I have concluded that there are broadly two things that these Brits talk about – the weather and football. To be honest, I never understood what’s there to talk about the weather so much because it’s always (in bold capital letters if I may say) cold!! But then I was being too cynical, because soon I realised that it is sometimes cold and raining or sometimes even cold and snowing or sometimes cold and cloudy. So basically you get my point no? It sucks! I believe that the most difficult job on earth is that of the BBC weather reporter. How much effort must be put everyday into devising innovative ways to convey people that the weather is going to bad! But weather is not my only issue in life currently.

I have a serious problem with this EPL or whatever they call it. As if Mondays weren’t depressing enough by themselves, everyone in my project team had to discuss the weekend league matches with every miniscule detail while I sat there like Tarzan stranded in New York city not knowing what everyone is blabbering on about. But even then, I didn’t take much interest because there was a guy from Barcelona in my team who used to say only the Spanish league had some value for money and all this EPL is one big sham.

But my Mr. has to watch every single EPL game too! There are 150 odd teams (or so they seem to me) playing with one another. Thankfully, by Gods grace if I may say so, they don’t telecast all the matches here. Apparently the TV rights are split between BT Sports and SKY Sports. Now we being true Indians and with the exchange rate higher than 100, we have decided not to spend another 40 pounds on BT subscription every month. However, to make up for it, he has to watch each game analysis at the end of the day. So much time is wasted that I can see two full episodes of ‘Bani Ishq da Kalma’ with advertisements and would still have more time to watch one more episode of ‘Saraswatichandra’ in that. Bah!

So I thought, enough is enough, let me take keen interest from now on. Drawing parallels from the IPL, I concluded that the easiest way to get to know the teams was by their t-shirts colours. Correct logic no? Wrong! Turned out that half the teams had red colour t-shirts and the other half had blue!! To make things worse then, I found out that the teams are given only one set of team colour t-shirts which takes a while to get washed in the laundry since shops close at 12pm every Sunday. So next week when they play ‘away’ they use some other t-shirt of some random colour. Only if they would have also outsourced this laundry thing to India! (Dear Brits, can you please stop drinking wine and start working!) Bah! Bah!

Interestingly, I noticed everyone and anyone in India who was on my facebook supported some United team. Obviously, I thought that it must be a very good team to show some loyalty but to my shock, my London friends hated them. Turns out that their ex-coach was some ‘Don’ like personality who ‘fixed’ red cards, penalties and the extra-time awarded. Now I wonder why we, being Indians, should get so annoyed at this fixing. We fix our cricket matches, then we create our own private investigating agency and then we declare ourselves not guilty no? But I wanted to be alive in London and statistics revealed that these EPL teams change their coach more than they change their t-shirts so I chose not to argue on this coach issue further.

As a last resort to get interested in the game, I focussed my attention on the players. With many million pounds spent on them, they must be of great class I thought. Some names were catchy so they caught my attention, Suarez for example. Turned out that he goes about biting peoples ears in the middle of the game! Really? I mean, you can see the same drama -like players ‘slapping’ fellow players, then fellow players crying etc. at a much lesser cost back home no? Also, I think biting ears would look less like a football game and more like a scene out of porn video which you can watch for free anyways. Why waste so many million pounds over it. And Mr. David Cameron, ban this EPL and get your country to work!

Happy Birthday to me !!

Hello everyone! Thank you all for your wishes and before anyone asks me, ‘Happy 25th birthday to me’!  Ok well, the last time I checked I was 25 and then after that I lost the count. So this is the most accurate I can tell as of today. Moreso, if Shahid Afridi can claim to be a teenager for a decade extra, I am not cheating much I say.

So today on my birthday (since everything I do is ok), I thought I will come up with a ‘Guide book’ for myself.

To dear Gauri (Age 5),

1. RELAX! Make the most of today, enjoy and have fun. You don’t know what will happen in the future, we live in a mad world you will see. Chances are that few years from now, North Korea would have already destroyed the world or China would have taken over. So take a deep breath and relax!
2. The same WORLD though also has good, kind, warm people. There will be people with tremendous achievements and yet are extremely humble, people who are simple, honest, hardworking, intelligent, knowledgeable, having unique perspectives and interesting lives. Enjoy their company as they will make your life worth living. Also if you don’t identify yourself with any of these qualities, you have gone terribly wrong. Try to be one of it, atleast.
3. It’s good to PRAY everyday. Be thankful to be blessed with numerous things that many around you are not. Moreso, if you want a Samsung Galaxy 3 from God, ask for it loudly and clearly because even if God turns a deaf ear to your request, your husband might overhear it. So you increase the probability that way.
4. DONT run after money even if you think it’s a good cardiovascular exercise. As long as you have enough money to buy a waffle with 2 scoops ice cream after your dinner, you are good.
5. EAT as much as you want and whatever you want! England is bitterly cold, so you won’t be able to show off your perfect figure under a terribly oversized woollen overcoat. And India will give you a sun burn and nasty glares if you walk out in a skimpy dress. So no point running after size 0, its useless anyways. But don’t ruin your health.  
6. LOOK at the brighter side when things go wrong. You will learn it the hard way, but in the end you will realise that it was not that bad after all. It’s easier said than done but I have realised that unless you are an owl, not much can be seen in the dark anyways.
7. Learn to DANCE. Try to keep it classy but also remember there is nothing so liberating as dancing in the Ganpati procession. I would be sad to know that you never experienced it in your life.
8. DO stupid things once in a while just because you want to. Sometimes, behave madly, throw tantrums and turn the house upside down. But don’t get jailed.
9. LAUGH. Like everyone, you are not perfect too! You will make mistakes, fall often, cry over silly things, face loneliness and even humiliation but eventually, be rest assured that you will survive this. Once you have come through, look back and laugh at yourself. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, there would be many who will be happy to do it for you.
10. Make good FRIENDS; they will make your growing up immensely pleasurable. The stupid things that you will do together might seem embarrassing when you grow old, but they will still make you laugh till your stomach hurts.
11. REMEMBER what Mark Twain said - ‘When I was a boy of fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much the old man had learned in seven years’. Ripleys believe it or not, your parents are the sanest people on the earth. The sooner you come to terms with this fact, the better it will be for you. In any case, you don’t have any option but to listen to them. So shut up and fall in line.
12. WAIT for the right guy to come in to your life and then never let him go! Waiting is a wonderful thing and has amazing outcomes you will see. That might mean you will have to tolerate the taunts from that annoying relative who will claim that you have well past your marriageable age and you will end up alone for the rest of your life. This might mean that you will have some days with nothing to do because other friends are caught up in their own life. But wait; and you will find a wonderful person. Once you find one, beg, cry or threaten him but don’t let him go!
13. ENJOY! Enjoy everything. Enjoy the annual day in your school, the scout and guide trek, the competitions, your results, crisply ironed uniform, a new haircut, your first salary, high heels shoes, getting drenched in the rain, a tasty dish, a new country, making a new friend, a cheese burst pizza, a crowded train, the festivals , a sizzling brownie, a good movie, enjoy till you get tired of enjoying and then enjoy more.

And Last but not the least, be true to yourself! You are about to begin a wonderful journey, tread carefully! Life is calling, where are you?

From Gauri

(Claiming to be 25)

The Great Indian Induction ....

Like many HR jokes that circulate on the internet, so is the one that how the polite, soothing “Welcome to our Organisation” from your HR suddenly turns into “Don’t stand at my desk wasting my time”. So, after many pre-joining emails from the HR that made me happy (except for the one where they sent me the soft copy of my offer letter which made me frown due to the daily wages they were offering), I was quite charged up on the first day.

I walked in really happy but to my horror, the scene was shocking! It was neither because the chairs were ergonomically incorrect nor because the room was really gloomy and depressing as if designed to put us to sleep. But it was because the tables were empty – meaning no free notepads and pens! Now whether you agree to this publicly or not, we all love the word ‘free’ and even more when it gets associated with the workplace. I personally believe it is the least compensation they can offer for the otherwise meager daily wages. Quarter after quarter, after every investor meetings & result announcements, we show our solidarity and lineup in long spiral queues for the Lower Parel market manufactured synthetic T-shirt that seldom is of wearable size, but we still do.  

More so, I have hopped many organizations in search of better employee gifts and mark my words when I say that the induction pen is far better than the one that you usually get in the stationery after climbing up three floors and signing on numerous registers. So, obviously it wasn’t just me who was disappointed. When I scanned around during the session, I did see many of the dejected new joiners looking down and messaging on their BB. Perhaps they were spreading the word around. Later, they did try to make it up with free lunch, evening tea and some welcome bouquet. But were they thinking that such gestures would net-off the pen loss?

The induction was designed with many sessions. Like one really senior, really really senior guy walked in as a speaker and kicked off saying ‘I have been in this organization for 30 years .... ‘.  Before he said anything, my eyes widened with respect, no really, I did have respect in my mind though my neighbor’s mouth was wide open conveying disgust and shock. “They call such people as speakers for induction session?” he said to emphasize his disagreement to the selection process. I poked him and made him show respect, but just when I turned my attention back to the dais, the speaker continued “… you know why?”  I quickly sensed the seriousness of the situation and pulled my neighbor down hard just when he was about to stand up and ask the speaker “you tell me, WHY!!” in bold letters. My neighbor obviously wrote-off my cowardly behavior and walked out under the pretext of a phone call.  I didn’t pay much attention thereafter because I was busy calculating the number of companies I would have on my CV in thirty years going by the current rate. I smiled thinking what I would say if I were called to give such an induction sessions after thirty years.

Later on, he tried to make the session interactive by asking some questions but it did not help much. Like one time he asked an open forum question “what made you join this organization". There was a pin drop silence in the room when he continued “…except for money”.  People, I tell you these days !

Then one HR lady walked in, decked up and that’s when I sensed a sudden vigour around me. She began with a question whose answer I thought was very obvious “So what do you think guys! Can any organization function without HR?”. There was a unanimous “NO” from the male crowd around me. That day I learnt that guys can fake anything to please a beautiful lady.

But some sessions were really important like the Finance & Payroll session where everyone was busy noting down options to save tax while mentally planning the shop name they would use to fake the medical bills. Also, the one that publicized the environment friendliness of the organization which ended with us knowing the different types of birds and their nests that could be spotted in the campus.

Overall, the induction, I was told, would help us to understand the length, breadth and depth of the organization. I started revising. So if two lakh employees formed a hand-in-hand human chain, the length would be approximately 400 kms? Don’t ask me to prove it because they didn’t confirm when I asked. And when they meant depth, they sure meant how deep their pockets should be to hold the 8.2 billion dollar yearly revenue. Whoever carries so much cash around I wonder …....

Of People and Places! – Part 2

My previous attempt of assault received more flak than cheer and mostly it was from my close aides complaining of my non-adherence to what the Wren and Vodka had to say.  If you didn’t found it last time, chances are you wouldn’t found it even today!

So this Wren and Whiskey, oh wait, I think I got their names wrong, it was Wren and Martini ,or some allied drink name, have taken their revenge and added me to their latest list of victims. You ask me revenge for what? So the story goes that these two, who were children of British officers residing in India, were deeply in love with each other. Since India did not have any law supporting such marriages, the society cruelly separated these two lovers. Then they decided to take revenge on every offspring produced by any Indian marriage by making this book a part of curriculum and today, almost 85 years after, I too have been victimized. (Yeah I know that was made up. And I also know that was not funny.)

So, coming back to the point, I was given this book 'Elements of Style' to improvise and when I skimmed through the book, I read something in the preface that made this self-help grammar-cum-write-sensible-stuff book completely useless to me. It read 'Omit needless words'. I mean what will remain on this blog if I were to follow that... I have just filled in three whole paragraphs without making a single valuable point.

But nevertheless, trust me on one thing; I will never fail on the assault -

Scene 2-

Most of my city explorations were always through public transport, mainly local trains and in some instances, city buses. But then one thing led to another - I started working, the companies pretended to pay me and I upgraded to rickshaw. That’s where the woes started.

Mumbai –

I am late as usual so I am speeding on a rainy day, holding my cell phone in one hand, umbrella in another, coordinating with her on phone and scanning for a rickshaw. I cross the road to get to the stand and hurriedly get in the nearest one I see.

Driver – “Madam, I can’t come with you. There are others in the line ahead of me”

I am amazed! I get down and start speeding again to the front of the line jumping over potholes.

When I reach, - “Since this is a crowded route, let’s take the parallel road to avoid traffic. I am in hurry and I need to go to …….…”

He cuts me sharply - “Madam, if you don’t want to come, it’s perfectly fine. Don’t use swear words!”

I am shocked. What did I say I wonder? Then it dawns upon me. Grave Mistake!!!

Mid-scene Learning – Finally after 27 years, I have proved my mother wrong. She always tells me – You need to know the local language in any city.

Me- (I translate it into best possible Mumbaiya Hindi that I know of) “Oh no. I was just saying that lets take the alternate road”. He is not fully convinced so I shut up and say “Bhaiyya, Talaopali jaana hai”

Phew! He nods. I keep my mouth shut for the rest of the time. He drives through potholed roads with utmost precision taking shortcuts I am unaware of. When I reach, he takes out the tariff card “11 ruppess 75 paise”. I pay and escape from there as soon as possible.

Learning (For all my folks from other cities who have never seen an auto meter working) - A whole lot of distance can actually be covered in 11 rupees J

Learning (For me) – I am still grinning over my mid-scene learning…

Pune –

It’s a hot Pune summer and I am relieved by the fact that the rickshaw stand is at a stone’s throw away from my house. Yet I wrap a scarf all around my face almost suffocating me to death just to look one amongst the other terrorist lookalikes hovering in the city.  After my Mumbai learning, I walk straight to the first rickshaw in line but am surprised to see a long line of deserted rickshaws so I walk all the way back to see a highly interactive card game in progress. I interrupt –

(The conversation will obviously be in Marathi)

Me – “I need to go to Sadashiv Peth”

One of the drivers disgusted due to my interruption – “SO?”

I go blank at that expression. When I recover my consciousness - “So will you come?”

Driver – “No it’s too far”

I realize the futility of any further arguments but since I see no other autos passing by, I call up a friend to pick me from a nearby area. He agrees.

Me- “Ok. Just drop me till Deccan Gymkhana”

Driver – “No, it’s very near”

This time around, I lose my patience so I scream – “So how many kilometers is an appropriate distance to travel at a time”

Driver – “Ok. Let’s make it clear. I am a specialized driver.”

Me – I try to be sarcastic. “Specialized in not going anywhere it seems”

Driver – “You can be only so ignorant if you are from Mumbai. I am specialized in Teen Patti. The only other rickshaw stand that promotes this game is that Dange Chowk one. All other stands play kiddish games, below my level. Therefore I can commute only to that place.”

(I don’t remember much after that because I fainted. Apparently my roommate saw me fainting from the balcony and took me home. She tells me that she had to apologize in writing on my behalf to the drivers for my inconsiderate behavior)

Learning - Rickshaw stand is a place where an auto rickshaw (only) stands (for the rest of the day).

Moral of the story – Do I need to say it!! Though I haven’t been able to defend Mumbai too well, yet …Mumbai Meri Jaan !! :-)

Of People and places! – Part 1

It’s good to live in multiple cities. And I say this not so much because of getting the pleasure from trivial things in life like adopting diverse lifestyles, assimilating different cultures, trying different cuisines, learning different languages. No. There’s much more to it. I feel, moving to a new city instantly bestows you the right of authoritatively cursing and cribbing on a range of topics.

Now, for example, there is this super cool guy next door who usually comes home late with a roar of an even super cool bike and one sneak peek from the window makes you go weak on knees. After several weeks of attention seeking attempts through expensive parlour appointments and uncomfortable walks in skimpy skirts, you have not even managed to get a glance from him but rather the other day he almost crushed, with his cowboy-like shoes, your little stuffed toy which you had dropped to initiate the ‘baharon phool barsao’ scene or anything even remotely close to it.

Immediately, the local people can be termed as self centered, unwelcoming, closed-minded, myopic people. Then you can go on to narrate stories of how the neighbor in your ‘previous’ city had shared his pasta dinner with you when you were hungry and your gas cylinder went empty, cleverly hiding the fact of how, at that time though, you had labeled him as a ‘despo’ trying his luck on you young beautiful ladies.

I have, due to sheer chance of fate, been literally living out of bags (and some smelly cupboards) and have hopped cities back and forth for past six years. Therefore I do this, all the while, with untainted sincerity so much so that I sincerely feel I definitely deserve a small role in those tourism promotional ads.

Scene 1

I have lost my house key and am desperately searching for that ‘key’ guy. I finally find a small roadside shop but it’s deserted. So this is how events would roll in respective cities –

Mumbai -

I pace around for a few minutes. Scan surrounding areas but see no one who can fit the ‘key-guy’ profile. Seeing this, a Gujju (offcourse!) shopkeeper (of an adjacent grocery shop) comes out, asks me with concern as to what the problem is.

(All this conversation will be in Hindi in fear that people will think I am a regionalist if I engage in Marathi)

Me - “Do you know where he is“?

Shopkeeper – “Must have gone somewhere nearby. He will come soon. You can sit inside till that time”

Me – “Thank you”!

(Another 10 minutes pass. I am still standing outside)

Shopkeeper – Comes out, pulls out his cell, makes few calls, traces that ‘key-man’, informs him of a potential customer, takes my address, informs him, tells me to go home, I thank him, ‘key-man’ reaches my house in next 5 minutes, key made, door opened, and work done!

Learning – Sometimes simply standing over the problems could also solve them !!!

Pune –

After my Mumbai incident, I proactively approach a lady sitting idly in the adjacent-almost-zero-inventory shop.

Lady shopkeeper - Screams at the top of her voice in the purest form of Marathi I have ever heard (rather, not heard) so much that I strongly believe that conversation could easily be part of Delhi Belly’s Marathi version if ever it were to be dubbed.

Lady (I have filtered it out to preserve my dignity) – “Are you a fool. If I owned that shop, would I be sitting over here? And do you think I am some GPS device to track his current location. Also do you think I am idle to answer such idiotic questions”?

I wanted to point put that there were indeed no customers in her shop but I couldn’t muster enough courage to say so because soon she continued, “If you are in such a hurry why don’t you pick that stone and go break that lock. You ...” and then the dubbed version of Delhi Belly followed.

Learning – You cannot have a worthwhile shopping experience in a zero inventory shop.

Moral of the story – Mumbai Meri Jaan !!  (More assault coming soon ……… )